“I need to simply thank everyone, and particularly, God. We love you, God.”
— Donald Trump, asserting strikes on Iran
Hello. It’s Me, God.
I do know what you’re pondering: I at all times imagined that if God existed, and cared about one factor, it could be peace. Peace, and holding youngsters from dying, maybe? How did You get entangled in sending these bombers to Iran, to “decrease the temperature of worldwide battle whereas concurrently form of elevating it right here with a purpose to decrease it,” within the immortal phrases of freshman Consultant Pat Harrigan of North Carolina?
Does Your involvement indicate that anybody has a plan, aside from pondering that they’re smarter than each different president? There’s a Greek phrase for that, and it isn’t plan.
No God price Their salt can be tousled in conflictyou’re pondering, least of all a conflict being waged by the Trump administration, which has the long-term strategic acumen of an enraged opossum caught in a trash bag. It is a president who thinks he can will a cease-fire into being by way of Reality Social posts alone.
Didn’t you used to make helium and rhinos and the idea of time? What occurred to you, God? How did you get combined up on this?
What can I inform you? The whole lot that’s happening now’s so miserable. I needed to tune out for the sake of My psychological well being, and that will have been taken the mistaken manner.
My days look totally different now from after I was busy inventing that factor that dew does when it will get caught in a spider’s net and the sunshine catches it excellent. Principally, I spend my time agonizing over who ought to win Tremendous Bowls and giving individuals partial piggyback rides throughout the sand. I lurk perennially simply out of vary for Margaret.
I care deeply in regards to the outcomes of soccer video games. It issues to me that folks pray in the long run zone. I take note of that form of factor.
Awards reveals, in fact, I watch intently, to make sure I’m thanked. (I’ve an extended reminiscence for ingratitude.) I’m always on TikTok, doing oddly particular favors for some individuals and threatening others, until they have interaction in fixed prostration. “Good home,” I’m at all times saying. “Good life. Good child. Can be a disgrace if one thing occurred to it.” Bear in mind what I did to Job? (Allegedly.)
I’m large into decor. Search for my affect on a driftwood signal between eat and love. I work laborious in order that influencers have blessed days. I give you personalised plans for Drake and people who find themselves going via tough breakups. I’m at all times sending messages, particularly round lottery-ticket purchases. I made positive Nicole Scherzinger bought that Tony Award. I made a decision whether or not George Santos stayed in workplace. I appeared out for Bob Menendez, up to a degree. I advised a pastor in Denver to promote some very doubtful cryptocurrency.
Once I’m not backseat-driving high-school soccer coaches’ prayers, I like to pose for John McNaughton work. I’m there, whispering my ideas to Mikes (Huckabee, Johnson) and telling them I like that they’re in cost. I care if Speaker of the Home Mike Johnson watches porn. I care an ideal deal!
I’m concerned in all the pieces nowadays, besides what issues. So many small, bizarre yeses to disguise the enormity of the no’s. I assist out with awards, and I hearken to Speaker Johnson’s issues, and I help with private vainness initiatives, and I ignore all the pieces else. Sure, all the pieces. Have to ship extra bombs someplace? Certain, particularly if you happen to suppose it’ll assist your model! Simply don’t ask me to assist out a single baby or bend the arc of the universe towards justice anymore. I’m taking a while for Me now. You’re welcome, Donald Trump. Good luck with all the pieces! So excited to collaborate on collectible Bibles with you!
